WHAT TIME IS IT!?!

That's right, SELF-RIGHTEOUS RANTING TIME!!!

(Whee!)

Today, we have a message directed to the teen girl's magazine teenVOGUE. In reply to their business letter, I wrote:

teenVOGUE:

I recently received your offer for "FREE! A year of TEEN VOGUE plus a FREE GIFT!" I must say that it certainly surprised me to start to read the check-boxes (on card TVFM8A) proclaiming "Send me my FREE Tote Bag now. Payment enclosed. Make check payable to TEEN VOGUE." Confused, I looked up the word "free" in the dictionary, thinking that perhaps my vocabulary was in error. Yet, to my dismay, the applicable definition (since I assume that you meant "free" in some manner other than personal liberty or a [lack of] obstruction to use) was "provided without, or not subject to, a charge or payment." I implore you to research this yourself and correct your mailings accordingly, as it reflects negatively upon a company to misuse words in its (presumably) native language.

One of the enclosed fliers (labeled TVBMBA) reiterating your point stated, "It's got the clothes you love. In the styles you wear. At the prices you can afford. Plus beauty secrets that give you the look you want." Ignoring the last two incomplete "sentences," this compels me to ponder where you got your information. No sources were listed, which worried me. How did you find out my personal taste? What gives you such certainty that I wear the styles you list? And how in the world did you research my current monetary state!?! If you have been committing illegal activities to reach these ends, I petition you to stop immediately. Your disturbingly complete knowledge does not intimidate me enough to keep me from contacting the authorities if the situation should become dire.

As for your sheet TVLM8A, ignoring the similar questions to the above that it raises, I am even more perplexed. How will your paper magazine introduce me to models? What is my "fashion dream job"? And who are Kirsten Dunst and Rihanna?

However, I would be pleased to take your survey if it did not entail giving you money for what may be a flawed and/or illegally advertised product. Please, either discontinue sending me these mailings or simply give me the survey without the bells and whistles; I would be happy to give you my opinion.

Thank you for your time,

[my real name]